Although I have not run a company of great size, I am fairly confident that I can do so poorly, thus creating a situation where I will need billions of dollars of aid. I realize that it will take some time to build a company large enough to have an impact on the economy on a national scale which is why I am only seeking $1,660,000 for my proposed ineptitude. I'll have you know this is only .01% of what GM is asking for. As part of my restructuring, I vow that my company will quietly spend the money until it is gone before asking for more.
Sincerely,
Seth Rubin
Chief Squanderer
Global-Multi Slush Corp.
I was inspired by one of the headlines in this morning's WSJ, GM Seeks $16.6 Billion More in U.S. Aid . . . when am I going to get mine? Why did it take the US automakers this long to disclose just how FUBAR the situation is? Did they think there would be some sort of miraculous Q1 turn around that would save their businesses or were executives taking the time between now and the last Congressional hearings to get their affairs in order?
"Uh . . . (insert executive assistant name here), could you go ahead and pack up my things, close the accounts with my name on them, turn out the lights, and oh yeah, figure out what it would take to keep this joint running, but don't think about cutting my compensation package. We need to submit that to the Feds at the end of February. If you need me, I'll be in the villa that the company bought in the Caymans."
In my humble opinion, the bailout needs to be structured so that the companies as they exist disappear. Company heads should be credited with the driving the last nail in the coffin of what was once a great industry, a global leader in production, innovation, design, etc. Do what needs to be done to ensure Detroit doesn't turn into the visions of economic post-apocalyptic madness portrayed in film and let the free market fill in the void. Spend some money to create opportunity in a city that has long been in the process of decay.
Sometimes, somebody puts an idea or statement into words so well that you can do nothing better than provide the intro and then go straight to the quote. BBC's Top Gear sent the hosts to the good old U.S. of A. to film a segment about the new, American muscle cars. The segment has some pretty great moments that you can watch on your own, but in introducing the cars, the hosts slap Chrysler in the face, blatantly and without remorse:
Clarkson: This is the Cadillac CTSV that James will be driving. This is the Corvette Z(ed)R1 that I'll be driving and this is an empty space where Richard's Dodge Challenger should have been parked.
Hammond: It is not here because Chrysler, the people who make the Dodge Challenger said we're always horrid about their cars and they decided at the last minute not to lend us one.
Clarkson: Now if this was normal Top Gear, we'd just make a Challenger out of leaves or something (May: or just push Hammond off there and carry on without him . . .) Exactly! but we decided to show Chrysler that Britain is not a bankrupt rock in the North Atlantic and that we will not be pushed around by a two bit car company.
Two Hours Later
Hammond: This is a Dodge Challenger that I just bought . . .
In the end, their take on the Chrysler made car is pretty "horrid" and much fun is made at the expense of the excesses of American cars and the relative stupidity of our culture as seen in a brief stop in Reno, NV. Long story short, for the most part, the US auto industry is a joke to the rest of the world and only the blindest version of blind patriotism will enable one to ignore that fact. At least it is possible to find some amusement in the whole mess. If anybody needs me, I'll be over here waiting for my bailout check to arrive.
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